The True Meaning of Pervert
by Shadou Fireborn
Summary: Pervert has a dual meaning. Ranma finds himself banished to a perverted universe inhabited by a perverted double, and has no idea how to get home. Can Ranma deal with an Akane he gets along with, a less dysfunctional Tendo family, and a Nodoka that only wants the best for him, and still retain his will to return? (Shadou/Weebee collab.)
1. Here's the Pervert

Disclaimer: We do not own Ranma. Boring, ain't it?

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><p>Shadou: I realize everyone's probably still looking for my next chapter of Millennial panic, and I promise it's on its way, very soon. This is a collaboration I've been working on with Weebee for some time, and we're finally up to the point we decided that we should either publish it, or not. Against our collective better judgements, we decided to go ahead and publish it. Enjoy.<p>

Weebee: Hello everyone, and welcome to 'The True Meaning of Pervert.' This is what happens when a beta gets too involved in tossing ideas back and forth. A collaboration between Shadou Fireborn, the author you came here for, and Weebee, a rather prolific and obsessed hack Ranma crossover writer. Before all two of Weebee's fans get up in arms about that statement, it should be noted that he wrote most of this note.

Shadou: Wait, I thought I was writing the author's notes.

Weebee: ...News to me.

Shadou: Well, apparently someone missed a memo...

Weebee: Then... excuse us, technical difficulties, someone cut to the footage!

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: Here's the Pervert<strong>

Shampoo gazed mournfully at where Ranma had vanished before her eyes. Some part of her had hoped, or wished, that the scroll would fail, but his disappearance had brutally quelled that hope. Ranma was gone, forever, and it had been her doing.

Of course, that was what the tribe's laws dictated. Ever since she had delivered the kiss of death, she had been duty-bound to kill Ranma Saotome. The only other option she had once had was marrying him, but she had been reminded not one week ago that this was no longer an option for her.

She wanted to curse Akane Tendo, curse Ranma for choosing the 'Uncute Tomboy' over the obviously superior Amazon, but by this point she wasn't sure if she'd have been able to win him over, even without the Kitchen Destroyer's interference.

The idea of killing the red-haired outsider had also seemed ridiculous, especially after the battle with Saffron had concluded. Then again, the elder had always told her that if she was incapable of defeating an opponent in a fair fight, she needed to change the rules. What she had done was definitely not fair. On the plus side, though, she was relatively sure that Ranma was still alive... wherever he was.

Turning, and wishing her former Airen good luck, she slowly walked down the quiet Neriman side street towards the Neko-Hanten.

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><p>"You did WHAT?!"<p>

Shampoo started to stammer out a repeat of what she had just said, but Cologne held up her hand. "Silence girl. I heard what you said. What I want to know is WHY you thought doing such a stupid thing was a good idea."

"Shampoo had to fulfill kisses," the younger Amazon replied, her voice becoming somewhat stronger. "Is important, tribal law must be obeyed."

"The kisses were no longer even an issue! You just banished son-in-law for no reason, you idiotic..." Cologne bit back the rest of her statement, taking a few moments to calm herself. "That boy defeated Saffron. No matter his gender or status, he would have been welcomed into the tribe as a full Amazon warrior! Anything would have been permitted to gain such a skilled young fighter for the tribe!"

Shampoo reeled back. The kisses, no longer an issue? "W... why..." she stammered, finally switching to Mandarin to articulate herself. "Why didn't you tell me?! Why did you go on letting me think that I still had to either kill or marry him?"

The elder grimaced. "It's only been a week and a half since Saffron's defeat. It took time for this decision to be made official by the council, and I didn't want you to do anything stupid in the meantime."

Shampoo looked like she had been slapped. "But I only wanted..." she started, falling to her knees. "I just..." she tried again, but still couldn't construct a coherent sentence. She thought about what she had done, both a half hour ago and a week previous at the failed wedding. How could it have all been for nothing? As her emotions started to overwhelm her, she found one way to articulate what she was feeling.

She brought her hands to her face, and started to cry.

Cologne sighed disgustedly at her protégée. She turned, and glanced out a window, her thoughts on the boy she had had such high hopes for. She closed her eyes and said a silent prayer for the boy, wishing him well... wherever he had ended up.

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><p><em>Meanwhile, wherever Ranma had ended up<em>

Ranma had been having a rather typical morning. Well, Akane had been a bit quieter than usual, and he couldn't figure out if that was a good thing or not. However, breakfast had been good, and he had been looking forward to a rather quiet sunday of practicing the art. That, of course, was before Happosai had shown up.

Happosai had been keeping his distance from the Dojo ever since he'd guzzled an entire barrel of drowned man water. When he came back, he proceeded to pretend that nothing had happened, and insisted that he had no idea why both Ranma and Genma were trying to glare holes in him. The old freak then declared that Ranma's problem was that he had to loosen up, tossing a bucket of water in his face and embedding himself into the aquatranssexual's suddenly ample cleavage.

She really should have known better than to try and knock him into next week with an easily tracked haymaker, but she'd been so annoyed at the time that she hadn't been thinking, and the inevitable pipe counter sent her straight through the roof and on a long arc across the district.

She'd only just picked herself up from the ground when Shampoo suddenly appeared before her, slapping an ofuda onto her forehead. Her eyes crossed as she tried to focus on the intricately scribed chinese characters and was forced to blink as the paper flashed brightly. When her vision cleared, Shampoo was gone and the paper was dissolving into the air.

She frowned. That had looked a lot like magic, and one of the biggest rules in her life was that random magic never did anything good. She quickly took stock of herself. Her surroundings looked about the same, though she hadn't had much time to get a look at them before Shampoo hit her. She felt normal, but that didn't really mean she still was, as the incident with the Koi rod a few months ago proved. She shuddered at that thought, resolving to keep away from Ryoga until she was sure nothing weird was going on. The final thing she could think of right off the bat was that the ward had somehow locked her curse... again. Deciding that this was the easiest possibility to check on, she tried to determine where she was, in order to seek out the nearest easily obtainable source of hot water.

That turned out to be The Neko-Hanten, only about two blocks away. As she walked, her irritation grew. She thought about the various ploys the amazons had employed to coerce her to go willingly back to China. Those stupid dumplings, the Reversal Jewel, the instant water... she was sure that this was no different. Cologne would likely be able to explain what, if anything, had been done and what she would have to do to reverse it. For a moment she wondered if she was jumping to the wrong conclusion and being overly paranoid, but then she recalled that it wasn't paranoia if they really were out to get you.

Throwing the front door open, and hearing the familiar tinkling chime of the bell, Ranma yelled, "Ol' ghoul, get out here!" She was immediately answered by a solid blow to the back of the head, but when she looked over to glare at the gnome-like Amazon matriarch, all she saw was the shiny metal handle of a push-broom.

Peering around, Ranma realized that the interior of the Neko-Hanten looked much different than she expected. For one, rather than an open front area full of tables, there were shelves loaded down with a bunch of random items. Behind the counter that separated the dining area from the kitchens was a middle-aged black haired woman, looking at her irritably. "Old ghoul?" she asked, sounding rather miffed. "That isn't a very nice way to talk to your elders, young lady."

"Oh, erm," the pigtailed martial artist said, reaching up to scratch at the back of her neck. "This isn't the Neko-Hanten, is it? Sorry, wrong store." She contemplated asking for some hot water, but decided against it, as the woman was still looking at her irritably. Propping up the broom and stepping out the door, closing it much more gently than she opened it, she looked up and down the street in confusion.

The place she'd just exited definitely wasn't the Neko-Hanten, but it was also definitely in the right place. For starters, the book store across the street was still in the same place, and she knew exactly where that place was, due to her several week stint as the Neko-Hanten's waitress and door greeter. At least now she knew that something really was wrong. Either the restaurant had vanished, or she'd started acting like Ryoga.

"Ah, Ranko!" A familiar voice interrupted her musings. She turned to see Nabiki walking towards her, a big smile on her face, and Hiroshi trailing behind her. "I have a date for you toni-..." She stopped mid-sentence as she took in Ranma's appearance.. "What did you do to your hair, and what are you wearing?"

Ranma looked down at her red Chinese shirt, checking that the ties were straight, before pulling the end of her pigtail around to squint at it. "Something wrong? I always wear this, and my hair looks fine."

"Not while I've ever been around, you haven't... but that's not important, I suppose. I have a date for you tonight. You should dress up."

"You have..." Ranma blinked at her. "Why would you set up a date for me?" She then looked over at the boy standing next to the brown haired mercernary. "Hiro, you know what she's talking about?"

"This is what I do, Ranko. You know that." Nabiki narrowed her eyes at the redhead. Something wasn't quite right here...

Ranma narrowed her eyes right back at Nabiki. "Oh, I get it. You dress me up, send me on a date with some guy, and take off some of my 'debt'. Then you get some pictures for later blackmail, right? Who's the guy?"

Hiroshi cleared his throat. "I don't get it, doesn't she do this willingly?"

"Wait... Hiroshi?" Ranma asked, the dots finally connecting in her brain. "You can't be serious. You're constantly making passes at me in my girl form, and the only reason I don't pound you for it is because we both know it's not going to work. Now you've got Nabiki on your side? What possessed you to think this was a good idea?"

Nabiki regarded the girl before her. "Ranko isn't forced into it," she said. "But this isn't Ranko, is it? Who are you?"

"Um, should I be going now?" Hiroshi asked, uncertainly, his eyes flickering between the two girls giving each other suspicious looks.

"Sorry Hiroshi. We'll have to reschedule your date, this looks like a Kuno-class problem," Nabiki said, with an apologetic look toward the unfortunate high-schooler.

Ranma nodded, picking up on what the code phrase meant. Someone had obviously gone insane. "Yeah. For starters, my name's not Ranko, it's Ranma... though I've called myself Ranko before."

"Hmm," Nabiki replied. "So you're some sort of imposter?"

"Well, if I am it's news to me," Ranma replied. "Last I knew, I'm the only me there was."

For a moment, Nabiki's eyes crossed, as though she were in pain. "Right. Hmm... Can't be the mirror. That duplicate was smarter than you."

"Hey!" Ranma exclaimed indignantly. "You can't be confusing me with that boy-crazy duplicate."

"That's the problem here, the original's boy-crazy. You're the duplicate," Nabiki pointed out.

"The original's..." Ranma turned a little green, before bursting out with "But I'm a guy!"

"... Right, that rules the mirror out completely. The duplicate wasn't that oblivious."

"What do you mean by that?" Ranma demanded, irritated by the second time Nabiki had insulted her intelligence in less than two minutes. The middle Tendo didn't respond, merely jabbing one finger into the redhead's left breast... hard. "Ouch! Why do you keep doin' that?!"

"Well, those aren't fake, so that rules out you being a convincing cross-dresser," Nabiki noted.

Ranma sighed irritably. Of course Nabiki didn't know about the curse. For some reason, she thought she was a girl who'd be willing to date Hiroshi. "Come on, I need to show you something." She said, hoping that her earlier fear that the curse had been locked was unfounded, given the other weird crap that had happened since.

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><p>Five minutes later, Nabiki was getting irritated. "So, you need to find some hot water for some reason, and decided to go to this 'Ucchan's' place that doesn't even exist. You realize this only proves my point about you being too stupid to be a mirror duplicate."<p>

Standing in front of the boarded-up storefront, Ranma just gave the brown haired girl a sidelong glare before approaching a street cart that was selling noodles. "Hey, can I get a cup of hot water?" She asked, holding out a hundred yen coin. The proprietor readily obliged, and the martial artist poured the styrofoam cup over her head without a second thought.

As he shifted back to his normal form, he smirked, relieved that he could change back. "See, I'm a guy, and you really should know this already.."

"Because shapeshifters are perfectly normal," Nabiki deadpanned, attempting to conceal her surprise.

"Around here?" Ranma shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much."

Nabiki brought her hands to her head, rubbing her temples. She could feel a migraine coming on. "You're immune to sarcasm, aren't you?" she asked.

Ranma stopped for a moment, and thought about all the wierd stuff that had happened. The Neko-Hanten and Ucchan's missing, and who Nabiki had thought he was at first. "No," he said, "but I'm starting to get the feeling that your definition of 'around here' is different from mine."

Nabiki looked up at him. "Right... I don't think you're in Kansas anymore, Toto."

"Hey, why am I the dog?" Ranma shook his head. "I didn't know it was possible, but I think you're even more sarcastic than I'm used to."

"Just to clarify," Nabiki started, mentally upgrading this problem from Kuno grade to Box Demon grade. "Your last name is Saotome, right? And you know all of us?"

"Ranma Saotome, of the Saotome school of anything-goes martial arts," he said, feeling rather awkward re-introducing himself to Nabiki. "My old man decided to engage me to Akane, so we could join the schools."

"Oh, Akane is just going to LOVE that," Nabiki replied. "I did hear Daddy crying with Mr. Saotome about not being able to join the schools a few times, though, so it does sort of fit."

Ranma facepalmed. "Figures. That's all those two even really care about, so I'm not really surprised."

Nabiki grunted noncommittally. The boy's story had checked out so far, and he'd said a few things that led her to believe that he did know at least some things about their family. "Why don't you come back to the Dojo with me?" She asked, deciding that having him close by would probably be a better idea than having him wandering around the district, and Akane and Kasumi could get a look at him.

"Given what you've told me, I'm not sure I wanna see the Dojo right now," Ranma grumbled, "But I guess I don't have anywhere else to go."

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><p>"We're home!" Kasumi looked up from the book she was reading at the dining table as she heard her younger sister's voice.<p>

"Welcome home!" She called back, and then blinked. She'd been pretty sure that Nabiki had left the Dojo by herself, and everyone else was accounted for save the fathers who were making their nightly bar rounds.

Curious, the eldest Tendo sister put down her book, stood, and headed to the front hall, where she saw Nabiki and a boy she didn't know exchanging their shoes for house slippers. "Oh, we have a guest!" Kasumi said, smiling. "Who's your friend, Nabiki?"

"He's a code Box Demon. It'll be easier to explain if everyone were here to hear this. Are Akane and Ranko around?"

"Ah, I see. Akane and Ranko are in the Dojo." Kasumi suppressed a giggle at her younger sister's cute little code words. She wasn't entirely sure about what Box Demon meant, though she hoped it didn't mean that this boy would be very embarrassing for her, as that incident had been.

Nabiki's face formed into a rather disconcerting grin, and she called across the walkway to the dojo, "Akane! Your fiancé is here!"

There was a loud thud (quite so if she could hear it from the house) and the sound of running feet just before Akane came charging in, her face furious. "Nabiki, I've told you a dozen times now. I don't want ANYTHING to do with your 'compensated dating service'!"

Nabiki smirked. "Little sis, if I were going to engage you to someone for money, you'd be hitched to Kuno by now."

Auntie Nodoka entered the room from the direction of the Kitchen, an oven mitt on her left hand and her face a mask of disapproval. "It's not very ladylike to engage in those kind of activities, Nabiki. Haven't I told you before that you should stop?"

Nabiki laughed somewhat nervously, shooting a glare at Akane out of the corner of her eye. "Yes, Auntie," She said contritely, lowering her eyes from the older woman's.

"Awww, don't be like that, Mother," Ranko's voice came from the Dojo entrance as she walked in, running a towel over her face to get rid of the sweat from her sparring against Akane. "Nabiki was probably just trying to find Akane a boyfriend. After all, she really needs one."

"And what do you mean by that?" Akane asked, turning a harsh glare on the redhead. Ranko responded by leaning up to the taller girl's ear and whispering into it. "Pervert!" Akane immediately fired back, shoving the other girl away. Ranko only smiled back innocently.

Kasumi noticed their houseguest relaxing somewhat. Was that... relief on his face? "Oh, that's right, Nabiki, you really should introduce the poor boy," she said, recalling that he'd been standing there listening to all of this, and she didn't even know his name yet. She looked around. Where had Nabiki disappeared to?

Having his presence addressed snapped the boy out of whatever thoughts he had been engaged in. "Ah, right, I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."

Kasumi blinked. Another Saotome? Was he a cousin of Ranko's? She could believe it; the way he reached up to scratch the back of his neck was, motion for motion, the same gesture Ranko had a tendency to use when she was embarrassed.

"You're sorry?" Akane asked. "What are you sorry for?"

"I'm sure something will come up, sooner or later," Ranma replied.

"That's not very manly," said the Saotome Matriarch, and Kasumi assumed she was disapproving of the boy apologizing for something he had not yet done. "I don't recall anyone by that name on the family register. Are you a relative of Genma's that I haven't met yet?"

The boy winced. Apparently he'd taken Auntie's rebuke to heart, but before he could speak, Nabiki returned, holding a glass of water. With another unsettling grin, she flicked its contents over their guest. "Anyone recognize her?" she asked.

"Damnit Nabiki, what'd ya do that for?" their guest said irritably, in a noticeably higher pitched voice.

Kasumi gasped. The clothes were wrong, and the pigtail just didn't fit, but their guest had transformed into the spitting image of Ranko. Similar looks of shock adorned the faces of the rest of the family, sans Nabiki.

"Well, it is the easiest way to demonstrate," Nabiki justified. "Besides, I wanted to see it again, and see if I was right about the trigger."

"Wait, so you threw water into my face without knowing it'd do anything?" The Ranko duplicate asked, indignantly.

"Um, what exactly... did it do?" Nodoka asked, tilting her head inquisitively.

"It made another duplicate of me," Ranko grumbled.

"Hey, I'm not a duplicate!" Ranma shot back.

"She claims she hasn't even heard of you, but knows the rest of us and has used Ranko as an alias before," Nabiki explained. "She knows just enough for me to say she's not faking, but got a bunch of things wrong, too."

"What did she get wrong?" Ranko asked.

"Well, she actually thinks that you're... I mean she's..." Nabiki quickly looked between Ranko and her mother, before continuing, "Never mind."

Ranko blinked, trying to figure out what Nabiki was going to say. "Hey, you can't just leave off without finishing a statement like that! What did she think?"

"Well, you remember the Mirror? She's kinda like that," Nabiki finished, though it was obviously not exactly what she was originally going to say.

Ranko facepalmed. "Not another me-prude..."

"You thought that thing was a prude?" Ranma cut in. "It tried to flirt with half the guys in town! And that's AFTER I taught it to do that, so it wouldn't just jump them!"

Nabiki smirked. "Only half? She's got a long way to go to catch up, then."

"Nabiki," Nodoka said warningly., "I really wish that you and Akane-chan would stop saying such things about my daughter."

"She doesn't seem that bad, to me," Ranma responded, studying the other redhead and noting her long, loose hair and workout clothes. "Just sorta me, but a girl."

Akane finally broke out of her loop of looking back and forth between the two Rankos. "You should see her when she's trolling for guys. She's shameless," she said, seeming to have given up on figuring it out.

Nodoka huffed, and seemed to be opening her mouth to issue another rebuke, before Ranko herself cut in.

"Jeez, Akane, you just need to loosen up. Besides, if you've got it, you've got to flaunt it, and it gets me free ice cream sometimes," she said

Ranma nodded. "Free ice cream's always good," she agreed happily.

Kasumi noted the look Nabiki levelled at the duplicate Ranko, one that even she could tell was indicating the girl had completely missed the point. "Aren't you a guy?" her middle sister asked.

Everyone but Ranma and the previous speaker looked surprised. "Yeah, but it's not my fault if the counter guys fall for a cute girl flirting... even if they don't have a chance."

"So, you're actually a man?" Kasumi asked, curiously.

Their guest nodded. "Yeah. I picked up an ancient Chinese curse on a training trip with Pops, so now I turn into a girl when hit with cold water. I'm guessing no one here's got anything like that, given how Nabiki reacted the first time she saw me change."

"So why do you turn into me?" Ranko asked.

"I think it might be that me and you are supposed to be the same person, but if stuff happened differently," Ranma said, slowly. "I woulda just figured that there was another clone running around, those happen a lot, but Ucchan's and the Neko-Hanten are completely gone, so I've got no idea what Shampoo did."

"This was caused by a hair care product?" Nabiki asked.

Ranma opened her mouth to say something, but closed it as she reconsidered. She shook her head. "Nah, this don't have nothing to do with formula 110. At least, I don't think it does," she said, with a sidelong glance at her counterpart. "I mean, I wouldn't put it past the old ghoul to try to replace me in my own family, but then she'd at least be here to collect me."

"This is making less sense than usual," Akane complained. "Could someone please explain what exactly is going on here?"

"We have another Ranko, with a different set of memories, who thinks she's supposed to be male and turns into a man." Kasumi summed up, succinctly.

"There's no 'thinks' about it," Ranma declared adamantly. "Don't suppose anyone's got any hot water?"

"I'll get some!" chirped Nabiki as she rushed to the kitchen, being strangely helpful.

"Yes, well," Auntie said, clearing her throat softly. "Whoever she..." She was cut off, as Nabiki returned, and immediately tossed a glass of water into the Ranko duplicate's face.

Ranma sputtered as he tried to clear the water from his eyes. "Nabiki, you don't have to throw it in my face every time, you know. Just pouring it on me works."

Auntie cleared her throat again, louder this time. "Whoever HE is," She threw the middle Tendo an unreadable look, "It seems that he has some connection with the Dojo." She turned to the dark haired boy. "I apologize, but would you mind staying here until we find out what exactly is going on?"

"Um, yeah, that's fine," Ranma said, obviously somewhat nervous and confused.

"Wonderful!" Auntie smiled. "We have a spare futon in Akane's room. You wouldn't mind spending the nights in your female form, would you?"

The boy blinked. "You... want me to sleep as a girl?"

"Well, it would hardly be proper for a young man to be spending a night with my daughter and her best friend," Auntie explained, patiently.

Ranma now looked very nervous. "Y-yeah, I guess that makes sense, if Akane and... Ranko don't mind."

Ranko smiled brightly. "Of course I don't mind!" She chirped. "You don't even have to change, if you don't want to."

"That's considerate, dear," Auntie interjected. "But I'm afraid he will definitely have to change," she said in a tone that would allow no argument.

"Auntie's right, he should probably stay female while we sleep, but otherwise I don't really have a problem with it." Akane's statement prompted a betrayed look from her best friend. Said friend quickly whispered something in Akane's ear, prompting her to shove the other girl away. "Pervert!".

Auntie nodded. "Then that's settled. Now I've really got to get back to the cooking, so please excuse me." She bowed, and Ranma somewhat mechanically bowed back, before she turned and left the entrance.

"Akane, Ranko, would you mind showing Ranma where he... she is going to be sleeping, and help her roll out the futon?" Kasumi asked, glad to have the confusion at least somewhat sorted out.

"He probably already knows where it is, sis," Nabiki reminded.

"Sure. Come on, I'll show you where it is," Akane said, ignoring Nabiki's interjection and stepping slightly closer to the boy. "Is something wrong?"

"Mom... wants me to sleep as a girl? Akane agreed to it..." He said, quietly.

"Wait, so there's two of him, and THAT'S what shocks him?" Nabiki asked, confused.

"Mirror clones, doppelgangers, that stuff I can handle just fine. Mom and Akane are just acting weird," Ranma responded.

"Hey!" Akane said indignantly.

"Well, it's true," Ranma said, defensively. "Last time you agreed to sleep in the same room with me, it was 'cuz a bird woman had turned into a double of you and was trying to kill me!"

"Hmm..." said Nabiki, filing that little tidbit of information away for later consideration. "You do remember you're not in Kansas anymore, right?"

"Arf," he muttered, sourly. Nabiki laughed.

* * *

><p>If one were to look into the room shared by Akane Tendo and Ranko Saotome that night, they might not think anything unusual was going on. Two girls were sleeping on beds on either side of the room, while a third girl lay on a futon between them. If one were to ask the girl on the futon, however, the situation was anything but normal.<p>

Ranma lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling. The circumstance she found herself in was one straight out of her nightmares - including, strangely enough, the overly large mallet that was resting on top of the bookshelf.

She recalled Kodachi Kuno using said instrument to virtually cut Akane's bed in half years earlier, and horrible visions of the same thing happening to her skull when Akane woke up and realized what was going on danced through her mind. Actually, since she thought of it, why did this Akane still have Kodachi's giant mallet?

'Can't sleep, the mallet will kill me. Can't sleep, the mallet will kill me.' she thought to herself. Any moment now, she expected a cry of 'Pervert!' and, if not the mallet, any number of other possible instruments of blunt trauma would rain down on her.

Yes, she thought, she was definitely not getting any sleep tonight.

**END**


	2. School is no place for

Shadou: One… Two… Three… Maybe four…

Weebee: What'cha doin?

Shadou: Counting the number of reviewers who got suckered by that 'end' gag you used on Old Contrast Match.

Weebee: That's not a gag, and I used it in plenty of places other than that fic.

Shadou: Well, it worked on the readers, anyways. Speaking of which, they're here. Let's start the tape.

Weebee: I'm telling you, it's NOT a gag, it's just how I end chap-...

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><p>Chapter 2: School is no place for... ah, you know this already.<p>

Ranma was irritable. This was possibly because she'd found herself in a strangely different version of her hometown just the day before, or maybe the fact that she'd spent most of the last night staring at the ceiling of Akane's room... but it was most likely due to the carefully folded lump of blue and white fabric that a somewhat apologetic youngest Tendo had handed her a few seconds earlier.

"You sure you don't got anything else?" She asked, frowning down at the thing.

"Well, it's a school day, and Mrs. Saotome said she wanted you to go, so..." Akane replied, shrugging.

Ranma grimaced. She only had one set of clothes that would fit both of her forms, and they were in the wash. The only other stuff to wear was Ranko's, which would only fit her as a girl anyhow, and the only excuse she'd had to keep skipping out on the school uniform was that neither fit both of her forms correctly. "Why is it," she said conversationally as she turned towards the wall, beginning to strip, "Something real dramatic happens, like, for example, gettin' told you just got engaged, and the absolutely next thing they think of is enrolling you in school?"

"You know you don't have to turn away from us. I'm sure you don't have anything I haven't seen before," said Ranko, smirking.

"Uh..." Akane said, poking her friend in the arm and pointing as Ranma removed the white tank-top she'd been sleeping in, only to reveal several thin, criss-crossing white scars running along her back.

"Huh? You say something?" Ranma asked as her head came out of her shirt, starting to turn before quickly snapping her gaze back to the wall.

"Nothing important," Akane replied quickly, beginning to change out of her own pajamas, but keeping a wary eye on the two redheads in the room. Ranma had acted reasonably well so far, but she was a boy, after all. In Ranko's case... well, she HAD tried to jump her that one time and... she quickly terminated that line of thought with a blush.

* * *

><p>"Saotome?" Genma looked up from the tabletop he had been intently studying, attempting to will his hangover out of existence. As usual, this was having little effect.<p>

"What is it, Soun?" he asked, blurrily squinting at the other man. The Tendo patriarch didn't respond, merely pointing to the base of the stairs, where Akane, Ranko and Ranko were entering the room.

The Elder Saotome blinked hard, but the apparition didn't fade. There were two of his daughter behind Soun's youngest, and worse, they weren't a case of normal double vision, as one of them had her hair loose, and the other wore it in a braided ponytail. "Maybe I'm still drunk?" He offered, soberly.

"What exactly did we drink last night? I'm still seeing double," the Tendo patriarch complained.

"I don't think so, my friend," said Genma. "They're each moving on their own, and they have different hairstyles. So unless we had some really powerful drugs to go with the sake..."

"You're not at all bothered that you would be having the same hallucination?" A rather amused Nabiki asked, from where she was sipping her coffee next to her father.

Soun shook his head. "That is what comes of a bond forged under the master."

Genma quickly shushed his friend. "Quiet, lest you wake him!" he said, with a wary look toward the room said master resided in. Dealing with the master was trying under any normal circumstances. Dealing with the master while suffering from a hangover would be... he shuddered to even think of it.

One of the apparitions came over to him. "Morning Daddy," it said, and gave him a kiss on the forehead, evoking a near instinctive grunt of displeasure from the man in question, along with a slight twitch from the other redhead.

The apparition which had kissed him on the forehead looked over to the other. "Well?" it said.

"Well what? I ain't goin' to kiss him, if that's what you're gettin' at." said the other.

His hangover-addled mind finally started to work, and he tried to piece together what was happening. He looked to the one that was obviously his daughter. "Another mirror clone?" he asked.

"Why's that everyone's favorite theory?" the other interrupted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"It was a pretty memorable event," responded the middle Tendo as she finished off the last of her coffee and moved to leave the table. "I need to be at school early to take care of some things." she said, grabbed her schoolbag, and left.

"We're not sure what's goin' on," the pigtailed one said, after the front door had slammed behind Nabiki. She thought for a moment, and then seemed to decide on the 'cliff's notes' version. "I'm Ranma. I'm not a duplicate or nothin' like that, and I'm not gonna try to kill anyone. I'll be outta here as soon as I can figure out how to get home."

Genma grunted. Normally, he'd have taken slightly more interest in a clone of his daughter showing up, but in the past few years strange things had just seemed to happen, and Ranko and Akane could usually take care of them without his having to do anything. "Fine with me, as long as you're not a threat," he responded, disinterested.

"Husband," Nodoka's voice came from the kitchen, as she emerged carrying a steaming rice cooker. "I thought I explained Ranma's situation to you before?"

"And you expected the panda to remember?" Ranma asked, walking over to assist with the dishes as Kasumi came in behind the Saotome matriarch.

"Ranma, that isn't very nice," Nodoka said disapprovingly, before her face took on a confused expression. "And why did you call Genma a Panda?"

"Long story short, another curse," Ranma replied.

Nodoka remained confused for another few seconds, before realization dawned, and she actually giggled at a mental image. Her face turned stern again after a moment. "That's still not very nice."

Genma had long since ceased paying attention, as plates were set down on the table. He was brought out of his reverie several seconds later, when he found one hand snapping out, chopsticks clacking against another set from the other side of the table.

He looked up to see that Ranma had her left hand stretched out, a pair of sticks gripped in the fingers, while she ate normally with her right. Experimentally, the Saotome patriarch twisted, throwing the other's hand off and lashing out with his own weapons.

Several moments later, the flurry of moves between the two of them ended with considerably more food on the redhead's plate than his own. He growled, and began another offensive. This time, he had managed to recover some of the losses he'd taken in the first engagement, but recovering those losses had meant little had actually entered his mouth, while his opponent had managed to eat half of her winnings.

Deciding to step up his game, he picked up his own second set, and was in the middle of snapping them when a throat clearing interrupted the battle. "Husband? What have I taught you about that disgusting manner of eating?"

"But... but she started it!" he said, with a sidelong glare at the redhead that was happily munching on her prizes.

His wife looked at him, incredulous. "She started it?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. Genma twitched. Perhaps that hadn't been the best way of phrasing his objection. Fortunately, Nodoka turned towards Ranma next, letting him off the hook for the moment. "As for you, young lady, I would ask that you please show some more manners while eating at our table."

"Uh, yeah," Ranma smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, I sorta forgot where I was for a moment."

Nodoka frowned as she processed that. "You mean, you do that regularly?"

Ranma nodded. "Yeah. Saotome style speed eating. Increases hand-eye coordination and speed. I'm surprised you don't know that already..." she said, and glanced over at Genma.

Next to the pigtailed redhead, Akane and Ranko were looking thoughtfully at each other's plates, before Nodoka pinned the entire group with a 'don't even think about it' look. "I will not have any of you engaging in that disgusting show of poor table manners while you're eating at this table," she said, with a final glare at the table occupants.

Deciding that she'd made her point, the auburn haired woman turned to her own meal and blinked. The serving looked off, somewhat too small, though she'd been watching the 'speed eating drill' the entire time it had been going on, and it hadn't come near her plate. Looking around, she saw that Akane, Ranko, Ranma, and Genma were all keeping their eyes on their food, while Soun read the paper. She gave a suspicious glance to her side where Kasumi ate serenely, looking through the open porch doors at the Koi pond... then shook it off. Kasumi, of all people, wouldn't have done anything so shameful.

* * *

><p>"So, was that really some secret Saotome training technique?" Akane asked, as she and Ranko walked down the street, Ranma precariously balanced on the fence above them.<p>

"Isn't much of a secret, really. Or so the old man back home claims. If ya have to compete for food, ya have reason to get faster with your fingers," Ranma said.

"Hmm... So that's what I look like from down here," said Ranko.

"Huh?" Ranma asked, looking down to see that her double was walking directly below and behind her, craning up to see under the skirt of her Furinkan uniform. "Grh!" she yelped, abruptly leaping off of the fence and landing next to it, holding the hem down as she fell. "I hate these damned things," she muttered, fighting down a blush.

Ranko fought to hide her grin. 'There's one nice shiny button to push,' she thought, filing it away for future teasing opportunities.

Akane looked over disgustedly at her friend. "Were you actually perving on yourself?" she asked.

Ranko shook her head and shrugged. "No, I was perving on her."

"She's you!" came the reply from the indignant bluenette.

"Not from where I'm standing, she isn't," responded Ranko.

"Y'know, I'm standin' right here," Ranma grumbled.

"Yeah, and I'd prefer you stand up there," Ranko said with a glance back up toward the fence and a smirk.

"I'm surrounded by perverts," muttered Akane. Louder, she asked, "So why do you walk on the fence, anyway?"

"Balance practice," Ranma responded, then shrugged. "Doesn't do much good anymore, but it's sorta habit."

"Is everything some kind of martial arts practice for you?" asked Ranko.

"Anything can be, if ya do it right," was the reply.

"Gee, Akane, she sounds almost as obsessed with Martial Arts as you." Ranko teased.

"Hey!" Akane started an indignant retort, then cut off, thoughtful. "If that's the case, wouldn't she be at least as good as me?"

Ranma opened her mouth, and then shut it so hard, her teeth snapped audibly. "What was that about?" Ranko asked, mystified.

"I think I broke a tooth," Ranma replied, rubbing her jaw.

"Hey, when we get home from school today, do you want to spar?" Akane offered. "If you practice that much, you should at least be a good sparring partner, right?"

Ranma opened her mouth again, seeming to wince at the twinge in her jaw. "Yeah, sure, we can spar," she said weakly, recalling the first time that had happened and resolving to do better this time.

* * *

><p>"Hark, 'tis my fierce tigress!" Akane's eyes rolled in her head as she and the Saotomes approached the school's front gate, only to see Tatewaki Kuno in his usual position, wooden sword in one hand and bouquet of roses in the other. "And the fire haired goddess, as well, what a blessing I have..." The 'blue thunder's' voice seemed to trail off as the features of the approaching people came into sharper focus, and his roses fell from nerveless fingers. "What is this? A trick? A blessing? Do mine eyes deceive? For I see two fire tressed beauties before me, flanking the tigress like her loyal retainers! Today the gods must smile on..."<p>

"Would you SHUT UP?!" Akane burst out, clenching her fists tightly enough to make the knuckles pop.

"I think his poetry's gotten worse," Ranma observed, cracking her own knuckles noisily.

"Yours does it any better?" Ranko asked.

Ranma thought about that for a moment. "Nah. Kuno poetry is just bad anywhere you go."

"One moment, Tigress," Kuno said, stepping past Akane for a second. "I would dearly like to ask, perhaps one of you two fair beauties would deign to attempt to date me a second time? I have been preparing assiduously for the opportunity."

Ranma thought back to the two dates she'd been on with the blue blunder during her time in Furinkan. "Not sure I'm able to say 'no' loud enough," she observed, though since he didn't attempt to grab her, she didn't attack.

"That goes double for me," her body duplicate said. "One round with the 'half minute hero' here was enough."

"Half minute hero?" Ranma asked, confused.

"I'll tell you when you're older," Ranko replied, heading into the school yard.

"We're the same age... I think," Ranma complained, following.

Akane snorted in disgust, preparing to follow, when Kuno finally snapped out of his funk. "No matter! The red haired goddess shall eventually overcome her shyness to leap into my arms once more, but until that day, I fight to win you, my fierce tigress!"

"...Of course you do," Akane sighed, falling into a fighting stance.

* * *

><p>"You're sure this isn't a trick," the childlike Hinako Ninomiya asked, looking up at Ranma, her lower lip caught firmly in her teeth. She knew she needed to be official about this whole body double business, but official was so boooooring.<p>

"No, Hinako-sensei, it's not a trick," Ranma replied, sounding somewhat irritated.

"Then how come you know my name?" The little girl demanded, pointing dramatically.

"It's written next to the door?" Ranma replied, pointing at the classroom door behind the brunette.

"Oh," Hinako said, sounding disappointed. Well, enough of that serious stuff. "Then I guess I'll do it."

Ranma sighed, as the teacher pulled open the door and skipped into her class, where most of the students were settling in. "Hello class," she chirped. "We have a new transfer student today! Miss Saotome, come in please."

Ranma rolled her eyes, before stepping in and taking the usual place up at the blackboard. She tried to jam her hands into her pockets before she remembered she didn't have any pockets, resting them behind her back instead.

"Her name is Ranma, and she's not that delinquent Ranko Saotome with a different hair style," The teacher continued her introduction. "How about you say hello to the class?"

"Hi," Ranma said, stepping forward and feeling rather awkward, especially since she was introducing herself to her own home room while wearing the girls uniform. "I'm Ranma. I like martial arts. I don't like idiots."

"Well, thank you, Ranma-chan," Hinako said, and waved towards the class. Remembering that she needed to be official (and boring... bleh), she added, "If that is your real name. You may take the seat next to Ranko-chan."

Moments after Ranma took her seat, the classroom door opened, and Akane stomped in. Hinako looked up at her disapprovingly. "You're late. Buckets."

"But Hinako-sensei, it was that damn Kuno's fault. Again," Akane replied.

"No swearing in front of minors, that's a delinquent act!" Hinako yelled, managing to sound quite official this time as she withdrew her coin. Akane paled and tried to back away as she saw it, but in the end was drained.

"Buckets. Now." said the now adult Hinako.

"Yes, Sensei," Akane croaked, and began crawling towards the closet.

* * *

><p>Ranma stepped away from the tree under which Akane and Ranko were managing to make a public spectacle of themselves by engaging in Anything Goes Speed Eating. Not that she wasn't particularly inclined to watch; seeing two amateurs battling it out could be interesting and she could give the two some pointers (while conveniently securing some extra food for herself, of course), but right now she had business with Nabiki. Extra food could wait.<p>

Nabiki didn't even look up from her lunch as she was approached. "Yes, Saotome? How can I help you today."

"Need some information on some 'a the members of the family. How much is it going to cost me?" Ranma asked.

Nabiki finally looked up, and scrutinized her for long moments before shrugging. "One date."

"Excuse me?" Ranma asked.

"You interrupted a date I had scheduled for Ranko." Nabiki pointed out. "One way or another, that's going to cost me money; either I have to return the fee Hiroshi paid out, or I'll have to schedule some of Ranko's time during a time I could otherwise be charging for her. Since this is, in any case, your fault, I expect you to cover the lost income one way or another."

Ranma opened her mouth to make her usual counter-offer, but then stopped. This Nabiki wasn't the same one she was used to. Did this Nabiki even sell candid photos of Akane and Ranko? Maybe, maybe not, but if she didn't, then asking was probably a bad idea. "Fine. I'll cover it, but I'm not dating Hiroshi."

"That is, however, what we're talking about here. You either date Hiroshi to cover his date, or you date whoever Ranko would have been scheduled with so Ranko can go on her date with Hiroshi," Nabiki said.

Ranma shuddered at the mental image of herself on a date with some of the possible alternatives to Hiroshi. "No. No date," she said.

"No dice, then," said Nabiki, and turned back to her meal.

"Rrgh!" Ranma said, and started to storm off.

Nabiki smirked at Ranma's retreating back, but then a thoughtful look made its presence known on her face. She sighed as she reconsidered. "Wait, Ranma. There is another way we can do this," she offered. After Ranma returned, she continued, "All I'm worried about is the cash from one date, so if you were willing to buy a date with Ranko, and then not take it, she could go with Hiroshi without any loss in revenue."

Ranma puzzled this out for a few moments, and then winced. "How much?" she asked in obvious trepidation.

The middle tendo craned her head up, thankful that the redhead she was talking to was rather short, and whispered in her ear. Ranma gulped, hard. "Wouldn't you rather just take some pictures of me to sell to the guys..." Nabiki looked confused for a moment, then disgusted. "I guess not," the redhead said. Sighing, she pulled out the purse Nodoka had made her carry for the day.

She rummaged around inside it for a moment, before producing a thin metallic chain, offering it to Nabiki, who inspected it. "Is this... solid silver?" She asked, blinking as she hefted the small necklace.

Ranma looked sheepish and a little ashamed. "Well, we were assaulting this phoenix guy's fortress, and..." She fidgeted. "I was going to give it to... Never mind, just take it."

"Ah," Nabiki thought for a moment as she tried to calculate the value of the necklace from its apparent weight. "If I can get anywhere near full value for the silver in this thing, it should cover a date with Ranko. Maybe."

"So is it good enough?" Ranma asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'll say yes, if you agree that whatever I get, I get," Nabiki answered.

"Okay, whatever," Ranma replied, nervously looking back to the school building and noting that the lunch break was about half over. "Now, what I wanted to know is, why's Mom living with you? Mine moved in after the fiancees blew up our house, but I doubt that happened here."

"Fiancees?" Nabiki asked, raising an eyebrow, but decided to drop it, as she was being paid to answer questions right now, after all. "Auntie Saotome's been living with us for the past decade or so," She grimaced. "After mother died, Daddy became... a little unhinged. Apparently, Mr. Saotome noticed when he came around to train and play Shogi, and when Auntie Nodoka heard about what was going on, she decided to come take over the hou- I mean, 'take care of the children.'"

Ranma thought this over for a moment, before coming out with her next question. "So, then, what's with Ranko?"

Nabiki snorted. "Well, that one's as clear as mud," she complained. "I'm guessing you want to know why Ranko's so... free-spirited, given you apparently aren't. Did your Mom tell you anything about what a manly man should be like?"

Ranma winced. Even in the short time she'd known her, the rules for a 'Manly man' had seemed to get more complicated than Martial Arts Calvinball. He was supposed to be chivalrous, honorable, and intelligent, while at the same time peeping on girls, having mistresses, and shamelessly ogling.

"I see by your expression you know what I mean," Nabiki continued. "Your mother's opinions on proper young men and proper young women are..." She shrugged. "They're weird. Personally, I just gave up on figuring it out and went my own way. So did Akane, I think, though she's a little messed up in her own way. Ranko, though, she decided that she could reconcile the differences between a proper young lady and a proper young man by adding a rule to the girl's side that said they were supposed to help men be manly."

"Okay..." Ranma said, somewhat horrified to realize that she could sort of see the logic there, given what she knew of her mother's beliefs, "but Mom doesn't know about her 'helping guys be manly'?"

Nabiki shrugged. "Well, she found out once, and they fought about it. I mean raised voices, and Auntie almost never does that. They made up afterwards, but I guess Ranko knew that Auntie hadn't ever intended for her to do what she did. As for why she keeps doing it, maybe she finds it fun? And Auntie is in complete denial that her precious little Ranko would do anything like that again."

"All right," Ranma said, nodding. "I guess that's all I really needed to know."

"So that's it?" Nabiki asked, surprised. "All you wanted was a general family history?"

"Well, yeah," Ranma replied, confused. "I wanted ta know what was goin' on so I didn't do anything stupid."

The middle Tendo frowned. "You really shouldn't have asked me how much then," she sounded irritable. "I would have told you that for free."

Ranma looked poleaxed. "You what?"

"Well, yeah, you could have just asked my sisters, the information doesn't have any real value. I thought you were going to ask Akane's three sizes, or what Kasumi likes in a guy or something."

"Oh," Ranma scratched the back of her neck sheepishly, now regretting the money she'd parted with. "Sorry, then, I guess," She tried, somewhat confused due to how irritated Nabiki looked.

"Not a problem," she responded. "Your date's thursday night at seven, don't be late."

"Huh?"

"Well, you paid for it," Nabiki said, reasonably. "I don't do refunds, so now you're going to get it."

"Uh, n-no, that's okay," Ranma replied, wondering precisely how freaky it would be to date her own girl side, even if she didn't have the same mind.

"No, I insist. You paid, and you're getting it," Nabiki said, though now her frown was faltering slightly, her lips twitching up at the corners. "I am a fair businesswoman, after all."

Ranma's confusion abruptly gave way to an irritable frown of her own. "You're messin' with me, aren't you?"

"And she finally figures it out," Nabiki replied, her smirk becoming more evident. "You're fun to tease. Still, I'm going to be keeping the money. You did get your information after all, but we're square now; try to remember that I'm not enough of a miser to charge for readily available information."

"Alright, fine," Ranma said, resolving to ask Nabiki about any information she needed first before haggling out a price. She turned, preparing to walk away, when another thought struck her, and she reached into her purse again, producing a piece of paper. "Oh yeah, I've gotta ask, why Home-Ec?"

"Aunty said she wanted an eye kept on you, so you share all of your classes with Akane and Ranko," Nabiki explained. "Besides, you tend to get free cookies every once in a while, and that's always good."

Ranma nodded. "Well, usually, as long as I don't have ta try any of Akane's," she admitted.

When a response came, it wasn't from Nabiki. "Well, of course you won't," Akane said, "I always dispose of my Home Ec homework after class; someone usually gets sick if I don't, if only by accident."

"Akane, I..." Ranma spun, panicked, before the youngest Tendo's words registered. "What?"

Akane was looking somewhat embarrassed, but not the eye-twitching, fist clenching anger the redhead was expecting. "Don't worry, I'm sure I'll get it right someday." Ranma just gaped at her fiancee's counterpart, until she started to fidget embarrassedly. "Why is she looking at me like that?" The youngest Tendo asked, concerned.

"Well, it's about how she looked when Mom asked us to share a room and you agreed to it," Ranko spoke up, from where she'd walked up behind her friend. "My guess is you just said something she didn't expect you to."

"But all I said was I know how bad my cooking is..." Akane stopped for a moment, and a dreamy look came across her face. "Do you think Ranma's version of me is able to cook?"

"From what she just said, I'd guess it's just the opposite," said Nabiki.

Ranko nodded, and chimed in, "Sorry Akane, I don't think any version of you can work in a kitchen without melting the cookware."

"Sheesh, even my own sisters can't be supportive..." Akane muttered, crossing her arms.

"Well, to be fair, your cooking almost killed Kasumi once..." Nabiki shrugged.

"That was only once! Besides, how was I supposed to know that you're not supposed to cook with THAT kind of alcohol?" Akane protested.

"Just be glad Auntie hadn't started insisting on you tasting your own food yet. That kind of dose probably would have killed a twelve year old," Nabiki pointed out.

Akane slumped, defeated.

**END.**

* * *

><p>Shadou: Hey, wait… I thought we were going to put Pervert in each chapter title.<p>

Weebee: Yeah, but this time the narrator got annoyed at the cliche before he finished reading it. It was supposed to be 'School is no place for perverts.'

Shadou: Wait, the narrator? Is that supposed to be you or me?

Weebee: Got me. Pretty sure I didn't do it though...

Shadou: Well, it wasn't me either.

Weebee: Great… is this like the note last chapter? I think we're gunna have to go figure this out. 'Till then, please R&R, tell us what you think.

Shadou: So, if it wasn't you, and it wasn't me, then wh-...


	3. The Pervert's Clinic

Weebee: So we've established that someone's been sneaking in and narrating the fic.

Shadou: Just narrating it? How do we even know we're the ones writing it anymore?

Weebee: Because… we typed things? Though… I will admit this does look a lot more competent than I'm usually capable of.

Shadou: Yeah, it's a lot better than my usual writing style as well. So… there must be someone else writing this and… I dunno, writing us in?

Weebee: A someone-else insertion? A crossover with real life? ...My head hurts.

Shadou: Well, in any case, we hope you all enjoy the fic. Roll tape!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3: The Pervert's Clinic<strong>

"I can't believe it," Akane mumbled through a mouth full of baked goods. "How can a guy even cook this well?"

"Well, he's not exactly a guy right now, right?" Ranko replied as she finished off the muffin she was eating.

"Hey!" Ranma growled, tugging irritably on the edge of her skirt. "This was your Mom's idea, remember?"

Ranko just smirked, as she reached over to the brown paper bag her doppelganger was carrying in her off-hand and grabbed another muffin, evoking another protest from the Muffin-Bearer.

"You realize I only made 20 of these, right?" asked Ranma.

"It's not like you're going to eat all of them," Ranko replied, before taking a bite.

She nearly choked when Ranma looked at her oddly and replied, "Of course I am, why'd ya think I cooked 'em?"

"I don't understand how you can look almost as good as me if you eat like Daddy," Ranko said after she cleared her windpipe.

Ranma shuddered. "I really wish you wouldn't call him that."

"What's wrong with calling Daddy Daddy," Ranko responded, "He is my Daddy, after all."

"Alright, I get it! Just stop saying that!" Ranma said as she shuddered again.

"But why?" Ranko replied. "Daddy's my Daddy, so there's nothing wrong with calling him Daddy."

Apparently deciding that speaking was just making things worse, Ranma repressed a third shudder and kept her mouth shut.

Ranko smiled victoriously before turning to the girl walking on Ranma's other side. "You're being pretty quiet, Akane. Something wrong?"

Akane didn't respond for several seconds, her eyes remaining closed as she chewed. "Oh, these are just really good," she complimented, finishing off her second muffin.

Ranma shrugged. "It's just Kasumi's recipe, and she can make it better."

"Who can make what better?" said Nabiki as she came up behind the trio.

"Here, this will settle it," Ranko proclaimed, swiping yet another muffin from the steadily emptying bag as Ranma looked on forlornly. "Try this."

Nabiki looked down at the brown object dubiously. "This isn't Akane's, is it?"

"Hey, aren't two jokes about that in a day a bit much?" Akane asked, irritably, but was soundly ignored as her older sister took a bite.

Nabiki pondered for several seconds during her mastication before swallowing and clearing her throat. "Whoever made these has a bright career in baking ahead of them." She eyed the bag Ranma was holding. "And you said someone makes these better?"

"Yeah, Kasumi does. It's her recipe," Ranma restated.

"If Kasumi makes better than this, she's been holding out on us," she pronounced evenly before making a grab for the whole bag. "Those would sell better than Taiyaki at Tanabata."

"Hey! No way, I'm keeping the rest of 'em," Ranma responded, covering the bag protectively as she leapt up to the top of a small nearby building.

"Your loss," The middle Tendo shrugged, before noticing that the martial artist was staring off down the street, surprised.

"Hey, is that Tofu's clinic?"

"Um… yes," Ranko said, somewhat caught off-guard by the non-sequitur.

"Tofu's clinic's… never mind," Ranma replied before shaking her head. "I've gotta go talk to him."

Akane and Ranko shared a look before Akane spoke up. "Why do you need to talk to that creep?"

Ranko nodded. "Yeah, he's the guy that was harassing Kasumi when she was eleven."

Ranma rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, you have to know that was just his condition…"

Nabiki gave her a dead stare. "What condition is that? Lolicon?"

"Lowly-what?" Ranma asked, confused.

"You know, liking underdeveloped girls way too much…" Nabiki clarified, obviously irritated.

"You're saying Kasumi's underdeveloped? You ever looked at your sister?" Ranma said, and then winced as she realized who she was talking to.

"Yes, I'd say at eleven Kasumi was underdeveloped," Nabiki replied. The other two girls nodded, seeming not even to really notice the implication that Ranma could think Kasumi was attractive.

The pigtailed redhead just decided to count her blessings and move on. "I think it's Kasumi, rather than the fact she was eleven. Back home, he was still nuts about her. Think that's why he left town, ta find a way to get over his crazy reaction."

"Whatever," Akane said, crossing her arms over her chest. "Why do you want to talk to him, anyways?"

"Well, aside from Cologne or the ol' freak, Tofu was the most reliable source for figuring out when something weird was goin' on," Ranma replied. "I think this qualifies."

The three girls just looked at each other and shrugged. "Well, you're a little too developed for his tastes, so knock yourself out," said Nabiki

Ranma just shrugged back, and began leaping off. For a moment the thought came to mind that, given what else was strangely different here, Dr. Tofu might actually be the 'creep' the others described him as. Still, she needed some answers, and he was the best option short of going off to China to find Cologne.

Landing neatly in front of the clinic, the bag of muffins still carefully balanced in her left hand, she reached out to open the door, only to hear a voice frantically yelling "Wait!" Turning, she saw a blue and white blur charging at her, resolving into Akane as it came to an unsteady halt.

"What's up?" Ranma asked, tilting her head, confused.

"I'm not letting you go into that… pervert's den alone!" The blue-black haired girl growled, suddenly seeming a lot more like the one Ranma was used to.

"Fine," Ranma rolled her eyes. "Just don't attack him unless he gives you a really good reason, all right?"

"Of course," Akane huffed as Ranma opened the door, the sound of the jangling bell bouncing around a sparsely populated waiting room. After walking over and scratching her name on the ledger next to the door into the back portion of the clinic, Ranma moved to sit down and Akane took a seat next to her.

A few moments later the doctor exited the back room, writing something on a pad of paper and tearing it off to hand to an elderly man with a cane. The man thanked him and slowly hobbled out the door as the doc turned and examined the ledger. "Saotome?" He looked up and around the room before catching sight of the two martial artists. "Oh, Akane Tendo and Ranko Saotome…" He looked down at the ledger again and blinked. "Though… I don't know how you managed to mangle the last Kanji of your first name that badly…" He shook his head. "It's good to see you two. I haven't seen either of you since Mrs. Saotome decided to change doctors… nine years ago."

"H.. Hello, Doctor," Akane said, bowing somewhat nervously.

Ranma looked the older man over, not seeing any appreciable differences from his own version aside from a much less battered looking set of glasses. "Hey, doc," she said, casually.

Tofu nodded to the two of them before turning to the rest of the room and calling his next patient. A man and woman who had been sitting on the other side of the room got up and followed him into the back, leaving the two martial artists alone.

"So," Ranma said, after several seconds of silence. "What happened with the doc that got you guys so mad at him? He seems fine to me."

"I'm not exactly sure," Akane admitted. "It's just, during one of our checkups, he started babbling and speaking to Kasumi in this really weird, out of it sort of way. Then he grabbed this study skeleton he had on the wall and started dancing out of the room with it."

"Okay," Ranma nodded. "Sounds pretty standard Tofu so far. Then what happened?"

"Well, we told Auntie Nodoka about it," Akane explained. "She went to visit him, and when she came home she was pretty angry. She told us that what the doctor was trying to do wasn't a good thing and that we should stay away from him. ...I only figured out what that meant later."

"Why? What was he tryin' to do?" Ranma asked cluelessly.

"He was trying to molest her!" Akane burst out angrily.

"Well, while I can see how someone might get that idea, it certainly wasn't my intention," said Tofu, making both girls jump. "Ms. Tendo, I'd love to talk about this, but I have a patient to attend to. Could you at least keep your voices down if you're going to continue out here?"

"I…" Akane wasn't sure if she should be angry or mortified, but in either case, her face was turning red.

"We got it, sorry doc," Ranma replied. The brown haired man nodded, turning while opening a file he'd been holding in his hand. The next few moments were spent in an uncomfortable silence, until Dr. Tofu emerged back into the waiting room with the old couple.

"Are you going to be all right, dears?" The old woman asked as she approached the two sitting girls, appearing worried.

Akane merely buried her burning face in her hands, while Ranma scratched the back of her neck. "We'll be fine, I think."

"I'm sure Dr. Tofu will take care of them, Michiko," the woman's husband said, "We need to get going."

The woman nodded before turning and accompanying him out of the building.

"Hmm…" Tofu said, studying the two martial artists intently. "I'm honestly unsure of what to make of you two," he confessed. "It's not every day I get children from families that changed doctors without notice or warning coming into my clinic, especially with that kind of accusation. Why exactly are you here?"

"My fault, doc," said Ranma. "I'm kinda new 'round here. I didn't know you had that kind 'a history with the Tendos or Saotomes."

Tofu looked at Ranma and adjusted his glasses on his nose. "Unless I'm quite mistaken, you're the daughter of Nodoka Saotome. And, given I was your doctor for several years, I don't think I'm mistaken."

"Well, that's sorta the issue," Ranma explained. "I'm not the daughter of Nodoka Saotome. I'm her son."

This time, Tofu took his glasses right off, squinting at Ranma before putting them on again. "Excuse me?"

"Well, it's kinda a long story," Ranma said, while Akane stayed back and watched for the moment. "I know you've heard of Jusenkyo. I've got the curse of the spring of drowned girl."

Tofu shook his head. "Young lady, I know in a very general way how those springs work. There's no reason why anyone would look like someone else's twin after falling into that spring… at least not unless they're very closely related, and I know Mrs. Saotome only had one child. If you're trying to play some kind of joke…"

"Look, I'll show you…" Ranma started, and then frowned. "Damn, I can't change in this uniform…"

"I have some patient gowns, if you'd like," The doctor offered. Ranma immediately nodded, and a look of mild surprise crossed the brown haired man's face.

"Ranma, are you sure that's a good idea?" Akane asked nervously.

Both of the others in the room looked at her quizzically. Then Tofu's expression soured. "Ms. Tendo, if you'd like I'll lay out the gown in the other room, and then come in here to wait with you while Ms. Saotome changes."

Akane nodded. When the preparations had been made and Ranma left the room to change, she asked, "You said that we misunderstood what happened, so what actually did?"

"It's… hard to explain," Tofu replied, rubbing the bridge of his nose where his glasses sat. "Though I think it might be a good idea if I spoke to Mrs. Saotome. Just… please tell her not to bring Kasumi along with her this time?"

Akane nodded uncertainly just as Ranma re-entered the front room, dressed in a cloth hospital gown and holding two cups of water. "Okay, watch this carefully, 'cuz I've had to show it off way too often lately," the redhead said.

Tofu nodded, and Ranma upended one cup over her head, shifting into male form. "Incredible, an actual Jusenkyo curse…" the doctor said, startled. "Can I see the other glass for a moment?"

Ranma approached wordlessly, handing him the second water glass. Tofu dipped a finger in it and raised an eyebrow. "So, cold… this will turn you back into a girl?"

"Yeah, hot water's birth form, cold water's cursed form," Ranma explained.

"I know," Tofu admitted. "That's why this surprises me. Do you mind?"

Ranma obligingly stepped forward and the second cup was poured over his head, returning her to female form.

"Well, that eliminates any ideas I might have had about Ranko having been to China. Who are you, exactly?" Tofu asked.

"Well... that's the real complicated part, and the one I came here to ask you about," Ranma responded. "See, I sorta am Ranko. I mean, we've got the same family, friends and stuff, it's just that I was born a guy, and she was born a girl. There are a buncha' other differences, too, but I think most of 'em come from that."

Akane snorted. "Well, that's clear as mud."

Tofu seemed to have another opinion. "I see. So perhaps you somehow came here from an alternate reality?"

"Um, what?" Ranma deadpanned.

"Well, an alternate reality is more of a concept than an actual thing. The idea is that there could be a world that is almost the same as our own, but different in a few small ways. In your case, Genma and Nodoka Saotome had a son, rather than a daughter." He thought for a moment. "Well, there's also the possibility that Ranko fell into the spring of drowned boy, then fell into the spring of drowned twins, and then 'Ranma' here fell into the spring of drowned girl... but that just sounds a little too contrived and I'm not sure it would work."

"...right," Akane said, slowly. Ranma had been right about Tofu being used to the weird.

"So, do you have any idea on how to deal with this alternate reality thing?" Ranma asked, deciding to skate right over the other explanation, which gave her a headache and sounded vaguely wrong besides.

"Unfortunately, no," Tofu replied. "Like I said, in most cases it's only an unproven theory."

"Proof's sittin' right here, doc," Ranma cut in.

"Perhaps," Tofu continued on. "But in any case, your best bet would be to try and figure out how you got here in the first place and reverse it. If you know anyone with any reality-changing magic or technology, you could check with them. Unfortunately, I'm not that kind of Doctor and I don't have a TARDIS." At the two teens' blank look, he sighed. "Never mind."

"Well, the way I got here was Shampoo slappin' an ofuda on my face," Ranma explained.

"I still don't get what Shampoo has to do with anything," Akane complained.

"It's… never mind," Ranma found herself parrotting Tofu. "Thanks for the help, Doc."

"It was no problem. And Ms. Tendo, I really would appreciate it if you would pass that message along to Mrs. Saotome. This isn't really something I can let lie. Given the situation at hand I really am surprised she didn't report me, as she really should have."

Akane nodded slightly uncomfortably. "I'll talk to her, but I can't promise anything."

"That's really all I can ask for," responded Tofu. "I'd like to thank you for bringing this to my attention, and for the chance to clear my name."

Akane fidgeted. "It wasn't anything, really. And I think we should be going." She turned to Ranma, who seemed deep in thought. "Ranma, you okay?"

Ranma seemed to come to herself. "Yeah, sorry. Thanks for the help, Doc," she said again, and started for the exit.

"Um… Ranma?" Akane started, and Ranma paused. "Your clothes."

Ranma looked down at herself, blushed, and headed back to the room where she had left her clothes. Tofu just chuckled.

* * *

><p>"We're home!" Akane called, as she and Ranma shucked their shoes in the front hall of the Tendo Dojo.<p>

"Welcome home!" Nodoka called back from the kitchen. "Could the two of you come in here for a moment?"

The two high schoolers looked at eachother for a moment, Ranma shrugging before they headed down the hall. When they entered the kitchen, they saw Nodoka cutting vegetables for dinner, a pot of water steaming on the stove. Ranma briefly thought of snagging some, before recalling that her male form probably wouldn't get along well with the Furinkan girls uniform she was currently wearing. "What's up?" she asked, casually.

"I heard that you and Akane visited Dr. Tofu's clinic today," Nodoka said tersely, the sound of knife hitting cutting board getting very slightly sharper.

"Uh… yeah, that," Ranma said. "I wanted to see if he knew anything about why I was here."

"Well, Ranma," said Ranko, entering from the yard. "When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…"

"Ranko," Nodoka interrupted. "This is a serious and private matter. Don't you have training to do?"

"Yeah, but the Master is still asleep," Ranko responded, obliviously. "And Daddy's passed out again."

"Well then, don't you have homework?" Nodoka asked in a dangerous tone.

"Finished it already," said the redhead, still either missing or choosing to ignore the clues. "So, what's for dinner?"

"I think she was trying to tell you to buzz off," Nabiki pointed out, her head poking in through the door to the hallway. Noticing a slightly pained look from the older woman, she smirked. "And I know that applies to me, too. I'm going."

"Whatever," Ranko said, turning. "Make sure to invite me to the wedding!"

"Wait," Ranma said, beginning to look pained herself, "Did she say 'the Master?'"

"Could we please return to the matter at hand?" Nodoka asked. "I would like to know why you thought it was a good idea to visit Dr. Tofu's clinic."

"He's always been a good source of information when wierd stuff is going on. Like now," Ranma said, deciding that she wasn't going to get any help from Akane or any of the eavesdroppers.

"That man is dangerous. I don't want you going anywhere near him."

"Um, auntie? Actually, we should probably talk to him…" Akane started, and Nodoka turned her stern gaze on her. She fidgeted uncomfortably, but continued. "He says that what happened nine years ago was a misunderstanding, and he wants to explain himself to you… without Kasumi there."

"And you believe this?" The older woman looked dubious.

"Well, he was alright the whole time we were there," Akane replied. "I think we should at least hear him out."

"I believe him," Ranma cut in. "I mean, I've been at Tofu's clinic lots of times. He's never done anything weird… or weirder than usual at least, and he's had plenty of chances."

"And what, exactly, is weirder than 'usual'?"

"You know… Insanely jealous amazon Jusenkyo Cursed martial artist fiances breaking down walls, fishing rods that make you fall in love, tattoos or noodles that give you superpowers, haunted bras, haunted dogis, haunted bells, haunted… well, just about anything, really," Ranma rattled off.

Akane winced. "We never told her about most of those."

Nodoka turned on Akane. "You mean these happened?"

"Well, most of them. I don't know anything about the amazon." Akane answered, sheepishly.

Nodoka rubbed her temples briefly before deciding to pursue the saner topic, for now. "So Dr. Tofu wants to talk then?"

The two teens nodded, eager for the return to the older subject. "And he specifically said not to bring Kasumi this time," Akane added.

Nodoka considered for a moment as she turned to tend to the now merrily boiling pot on the stove. "I will get into contact with Dr. Tofu, but in the meantime I don't want either of you going near the clinic again." She raised her voice. "That goes for you two as well!" There was a loud thud outside the door, followed by footsteps and a slight shuffling sound. Nodoka noted the shuffling and raised her voice again. "Ranko-chan, you're losing your touch!"

"Am not!" called Ranko from the yard.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you want to do this? I don't want to hurt you or nothing," said Ranma as he stood across the dojo from Akane, each wearing a sparring gi.<p>

"How about you worry about yourself?" she replied. "I'll call a break if I need one, don't worry."

"Are you two done posturing yet?" Ranko asked from where she leaned against the wall near the door. When both nodded she clucked her tongue. "Not nearly enough trash talk."

"Do you want to call the start, Ranko?" Asked Akane.

"What, you need someone to say to start fighting? Just go already." Much to the redhead's annoyance, the two in the middle of the room apparently used that statement as their cue, Akane pushing off into a hard charge. Ranma didn't move, his hands still jammed into his pockets... until his opponent was on top of him, whereupon he was suddenly about a foot to the left.

The youngest Tendo immediately lashed out with a punch, which her opponent deflected easily as she couldn't put much power behind it. She cursed under her breath as her momentum carried her past Ranma, opening her back to an easy counter which came in the form of several taps along the spine.

"Okay, gotta give him that point," Ranko called.

Akane grumbled; she'd been counting on him to block, which would have allowed her to bleed off some of her momentum. "Since when were we playing for points?" she asked. Ranko just shrugged. "Alright, let's go again. I won't let you win that easily," she said to her opponent.

"Are you sure you can go again so soon?" Ranma asked.

Akane just looked confused for a moment. "You only tapped me. Why wouldn't I be-" she started, but then her legs gave out from under her. "Oh, you sneaky little jerk!"

"At least ya didn't say I was cheating," he said, before bending down and tapping a few points on her back. "You'll be feeling pins and needles for a minute or so, but then you'll be fine."

Ranko smirked. "What's the Master always trying to teach you about underestimating your opponent, Akane?"

Akane rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I know."

"Sounds like this Master of yours gives pretty good advice," Ranma said, his voice seeming oddly hopeful.

"Yeah, sometimes. Usually, he's just an old lech and a pervert," Akane responded, and Ranma's hopes crashed.

"Hey! He's not that bad," Ranko argued.

"No, most of the time he's worse!" Akane shot back.

"I was afraid you'd say that," Ranma mumbled. "Can you move yet Akane, or are we done?"

"After a first round like that?" Akane sniffed and began hauling herself to her feet. "This is far from over!"

"Ooh, dramatic," Ranko said, mockingly. "In case you need a signal again, go!"

Akane gave the redhead a dirty look, only realizing her mistake when a fist slammed into her stomach. It wasn't hard enough to really hurt, but it did knock the breath out of her. Ranma continued his assault by grabbing both of her forearms, bringing his leg up into a kick that knocked her on her back as he let go.

"Point to Ranma," Ranko said.

Akane gave Ranko another dirty look as she recovered her breath. "That's not fair!"

Ranma shook his head. "Damn, thought you got over that one," he muttered.

Akane gave him a sharp look.

"Anything goes. Long as it's within the rules of the competition, it's fair."

"Yeah, Akane. You should know better than that. You left an opening, he took it." chipped in Ranko from the sidelines.

"Fine, whatever. This time's for real," Akane said. For some reason this made Ranma shake his head again. She didn't question it, and immediately bolted towards him. This time, though, she ran rather than charging, throwing two clean, strong strikes. Ranma swayed out of the way of each, and then seemed to bow backwards out of the way of a roundhouse kick. This was followed by a flurry of faster, weaker strikes that he glided around, leaping over kicks and ducking under punches that tugged his pigtail in the wind from their passage.

Apparently, after a few seconds of this the male martial artist got tired of close range dodging and jumped away, allowing Akane to get a good running start on a badly telegraphed haymaker that caused Ranko to wince. Ranma casually leapt over the predictable attack, landing easily and turning to get a look at his opponent. Akane, having lowered her arm and instead planted her feet on the wall, pushed off hard with a fist aimed at his chest. He tried to block, but his arms came up too late. Akane connected hard, and the force of the blow sent him flying across the dojo to slam into the floor eight meters away with a jarring impact.

"Point to Akane," said Ranko.

"Yeah…" Ranma coughed. "I'll give 'er that one."

"Wow, I honestly didn't think that would work," Akane said, walking over and offering the pigtailed martial artist a hand up. "What happened?"

He shook his head. "Flashback to an old fight. Last time I saw that move, we needed to fix that wall."

"Well, I'm tired of watching; I'm in next round," Ranko said, walking into the center of the Dojo to join the other two.

"But then who will provide the snide commentary?" Akane asked, sweetly.

"Could always get Nabiki," Ranma offered.

"Kasumi!" Ranko exclaimed.

Akane shook her head. "Nah, she isn't nearly rude enough."

"No, I mean Kasumi, Hi," Ranko waved at the older girl as she entered the Dojo.

The eldest Tendo daughter smiled. "I could try to be rude enough, if you'd like, but it will have to wait until later. Dinner's ready."

"Alright, I'm starving!" Ranma said, as he started toward the dojo exit.

"You didn't fill up on the rest of those muffins?" Ranko asked.

Ranma blinked. "Oh, right… I forgot them at Dr. Tofu's."

Ranko and Akane speared him with angry glances, before Kasumi cut in. "We really shouldn't keep Auntie waiting; she'll start dinner without us."

Ranko looked upset. "But I didn't get my turn," she complained.

"You'll get your chance, Ranko," said Akane. "It's not like he's going to disappear tomorrow, right?"

"But what if he does?" Ranko pouted. "He just sort of showed up at random, after all."

Ranma scratched the back of his neck and laughed nervously. "I guess now's a bad time to tell you guys I'm planning to head off to China?"

**END.**

* * *

><p>Weebee: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Many commas died to bring you this text. *sidelong glare at Shadou*<p>

Shadou: Yes! I remember that! I remember killing commas. So many commas...

Weebee: So at least we're doing something… you monster.

Shadou: I find your lack of grammatical understanding… disturbing.

Weebee: And your faith in your grammar check is yours! ...wait, crap. I messed up the line again, didn't I?

Shadou: Oh, yeah. Bigtime. Especially considering I find grammar check to be about as useful as a screen window in a submarine.

Weebee: That's screen door, Minako. Anyways, we hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Please R&R. I'm sure whoever is writing will find it helpful.


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